“What are you afraid of?” Her voice was gentle and considerate but distant and cautious. She had a sweet disposition, with a stride of passion waltzing through. I admired her, the way she wore her decisions; the confidence in her convictions. Could I really tell her?
Truth be told, there was a lot I was scared of. Scared of getting it wrong, scared of getting it right. Scared of falling somewhere in between. I was scared of making the same decisions and never being brave enough to say my heart wasn’t in it. I was scared of hiding the truth. I was scared of being selfless and I was scared to be selfish. I was scared of being too raw, of being too exposed. I was scared of never knowing what it felt to truly love. I thought I was in love, but they say when you know… you know and I think I know. But, do I?
I was scared of trusting somebody like you again. Were you one of a kind or were there more like you, where you came from? I was scared of being betrayed like that again, scared of being lied to. I was scared of being alone and scared to be hated. Have you ever been scared of being laughed at? Even the sound of your name still feels my heart with fear. How can one person do that? I’m scared of the way I wasn’t brave enough to call you out or the way I couldn’t tell you about yourself.
I’m scared of being judged for the choices I made, I’m scared because I took the easy way out. I’m scared of what that did to me. I’m scared of who that made me and I’m scared because even now, I can’t face you. I’m scared because you knew the truth and somehow, it amused you. I’m scared of what cruelty your soul harbours. I’m scared because I was alone and I needed a friend. I’m scared that even for a split second I thought that could have been you.
I’m scared of confrontation, of saying I disagree. I’m scared of never being able to let this go. I’m scared that even after all this time, you still get a say in the details of my day. I’m scared because you’re the one person who scares me.
I’m scared because we both know you deserve much less than that.